I need you more

Friday, August 3, 3012

The probe finally came out yesterday at 4, Praise God! I don't think Caroline or I could have handled it for even thirty more minutes.  Yesterday was the hardest day we have had yet during this hospital stay. Because Caroline struggles to take air in already, having this tube (about the diameter of a toothpick) down her nose and throat exacerbated the problem. She was either crying with tears of distress or sleeping all day.  She is normally such a peaceful easy baby, so to see her in obvious discomfort and frustration made me feel almost equally the same. Caroline had been weaned to "room air" (no support) while awake and only 1 L during feedings and sleeping; however, she really started struggling with the probe tube and had to be put on 5L oxygen support round the clock.  After the probe was removed at 4 yesterday, Caroline did not show any improvement and as of this morning, she is still working pretty hard to breathe even with the high level support.

Last night Gretchen (a close friend) was here with me and we talked some about worshiping God through trial.  My baby is sick and not getting better and my heart has the deepest ache missing Jett.  I choose to worship my savior Lord Jesus Christ not only because He is good but because He is holy. I think we can slip down a very slippery slope when our worship is dependent on what God does and not just who He is.  I was asked once, "who is God to you today?" Although I understand somewhat the answers intended for this question, the reality is God is the same today as He was yesterday and will be forever.  God is Holy, God is good, and everything He does is good. "But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds." Psalm 73:28
Caroline's attending pediatrician just came in and told me that the surfactant tests came back "somewhat normal" meaning not enough abnormality was seen to call it the cause of her respiratory symptoms.  No, I don't know what that means or what our next steps will be.  Dr. Cannon, our pulmonologist, should be in shortly to explain it all.  I am grateful (we didn't want these tests to show a deficiency) and nervous all at the same time, but I just wrote it, and I still believe it.

God is Holy, God is good, and everything He does is good. "But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds." Psalm 73:28

My prayer today -

I need You more
More than yesterday
I need You Lord
More than words can say
I need You more
Than ever before
I need You Lord
I need You Lord

More than the air I breathe
More than the song I sing
More than the next heartbeat
More than anything
And Lord as time goes by
I'll be by Your side
Cause I never want to go back
To my old life

Right here in Your presence
Is where I belong
This old broken heart
Has finally found a home
And I'll never be alone

[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/l/lindell_cooley/i_need_you_more.html ]