A month ago or so Jay was asked to preach at our church for a few Sundays. Jay asked me what I thought he should teach about. I had recently (meaning about a year ago), re-read through Genesis and Exodus. I felt like I had learned so much about the character of God and His holiness as I followed Moses and the Egyptians through Exodus, so I told Jay, "how about Moses.". I didn't know then how we would live through each sermon on our own family's journey.
So, our most recent stop on this journey primarily involves our now 3 1/2 month old sweet baby girl, Caroline Elizabeth. Caroline was born at full term, she stayed in our room at the hospital, ate vigorously, appeared to be healthy, and was discharged with me in 24 hrs. From the very first night, Jay and I discovered that she was a noisy breather. She grunted all night long on night 2 and we ended up pushing her in her bassinet into the bathroom! Caroline's name means "song of happiness" and we called her funny noises her little songs. She also ate very loudly, always gulping and squeaking. We read about funky newborn reading in our baby milestone/development book so we never thought anything about it. At 2 months, I intended to tell her pediatrician about her grunting but forgot and thought it was truly fine. On July 3, 2012 a dear friend, Carol Addison, babysat Caroline while Jay, Jett (3 yr old big brother) went to the water park. Carol noticed that Caroline's chest was retracting when she would breathe and she seemed to breathe rather fast. She didn't scare me but encouraged me to notify my pediatrician just in case something was not quit right. We watched Caroline that evening and the next day thinking maybe she was catching a cold or something. We considered calling the on call pediatrician but decided we would wait until after July 4 to see how she was doing.
Caroline is an extremely happy and content baby. I stress that because sweet Jett just struggled a bit more and was quite a bit louder (I type this with a smile remembering his squeals). Caroline did not develop any additional symptoms and just continued to be happy and smily. She was even starting to coo. Oh Thursday, July 5, I called our pediatrician thinking I was going to hear her say, "it's norma;" however, she said we needed to immediately go to Cook Childrens in Ft. Worth or Childrens Medical Center in Dallas depending on which was closer. I began crying as I threw stuff in a bag and got Jett dressed. Jay rushed home from work and we left for Children's in Dallas.
I cried a lot on that car ride but tried to keep my composure so I wouldn't scare Jett. I kept staring at Caroline so unsure of what was going on. I felt terrible guilt for not recognizing that my baby was sick. I was nervous, anxious, and afraid. I remember thinking, "I need to release her to the Lord, I need to trust Him." I honestly wasn't overwhelmed with peace and I didn't "feel" much of anything, but I do remember saying, "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord." I remember telling myself to focus on Him, to trust Him, to remember His goodness, and to know He is near regardless of my feelings.
We arrived at the hospital and were put in the asthma triage area first. We were immediately seen by 2 respiratory therapists, two physicians, and several nurses. After a general assessment, they moved us to a "critical care" room. There we met Dr. Rodriquez. They asked tons of questions and proceeded with a chest x-ray. The chest x-ray was initially read as normal. From there they did a heart ultrasound and an EKG. All normal. Dr. Rodriquez said he didn't know why she was breathing so fast and why her oxygen saturation level was dropping spontaneously so he had Caroline admitted.
That night, I went in and out of crying and uncertainty. I felt very overwhelmed. Caroline was extremely tired from the busyness of the day and all the tests so she conked out around 4pm and only woke up to eat at 7 and 10. At 10pm, I told Jay I felt like she was slipping away. Jay and I had watched 2 seasons of"Children's Med Dallas" which was a local TV special on the hospital where we were. We watched these families stay with their sick children and empathized greatly for them, never imagining we would one day be one of those families. I don't think I've ever felt the type of pain I felt that night when I truly thought my baby was about to see Jesus. I didn't even want to verbalize what I was thinking because I didn't want to scare Jay. I asked God for mercy. I asked God for healing. I asked God for time. I asked God for days. I asked God for composure. I asked God for peace. And then, I told God that I would choose to trust my baby with Him because at that point I really knew through experience my sweet Caroline was never truly mine. I have always been good at saying that to people, but I had to really recognize it now.
The night passed and I didn't sleep much because I just stared at the monitor all night. The next day came with another set of tests. All normal.
Another night, another day, more tests. All normal.
And then 6 more nights, days, and tests. All but 2 normal.
On the Wednesday night before Caroline was discharged (the first time), she had a sleep study done to look at her sleep cycles and oxygen requirements. Caroline had only gone 2 out of 6 nights not needing oxygen support. The sleep study showed some mild apnea (breathing pauses) and hypoxia (low oxygen saturation). After seeing the sleep study results, the pulmonologist ordered a high resolution CT scan.
Jay and I both felt like Caroline had something other than reflux. The GI drs had also put Caroline on an hypoallergenic formula that she hated! Thankfully we were able to discontinue it when she started to lose wait. She would barely drink it and it was $38 for a week's supply... Jay's parents had come in town to stay with Jett and we sent them home thinking they may need to return if Caroline got worse or required hospitalization again.
We were happy to go home although I still felt nervous every day. The nurse told me that because I was the mommy I would know if Caroline was getting worse. I kept thinking, "but I didn't know she was sick in the first place!" I told my cousin, Jenny, this (she has a son with a heart defect who required surgery at just a few days old). She told me I needed to trust the Holy Spirit to empower me with that supernatural knowledge. The two weeks that we were home were filled with ups and downs for me. A friend encouraged me with Isaiah 26:3, "You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you." This was and is my prayer...
"Lord Jesus, keep my mind steadfast and keep my eyes fixed on you. It seems as though I can't help but wander. I don't understand the resistence in me that keeps me from seeking you. Is it fear? Is it pride? Whatever it is, Lord Jesus, break it in me so my mind can be steadfast and my heart can trust in you. Thank you for your perfect peace, keep me near, keep me close, I cannot stand on my own. Please Lord Jesus, don't let me miss out on what you have for us during this time! You are good! You are at work in our lives and in Caroline's! Even though her body is tiny, you Lord Jesus are using her to impact the world around her! I've always said it but now I know it, you truly don't wait for a child to reach a certain age before you begin your work in him/her! You are good! Yes, Lord Jesus, I WILL trust in you!
Again...
